Something wise(-ish)

If you’re struggling to forgive someone for what they did, the best thing you can do is stop trying.

You can’t force forgiveness.

Forgiveness — if it’s even possible — is the result of some other process.

In fact, I’d say forgiveness is a process.

One that we’re usually in for a long time. Maybe forever.

I think that’s one of the reasons forgiveness is so hard.

We can forgive someone one day, and then resent them the next.

And then we feel like failures. We beat ourselves up for not healing as much as we thought. For not being as evolved as we hoped.

So we double down. Work harder. Work harder to forgive.

And the cycle repeats.

We usually think of forgiveness like a light switch. On or off.

Really it’s more like a dimmer. Higher or lower.

But sometimes it can feel like there was never a switch there at all.

If you can’t forgive someone, try something easier.

Just try to accept.

Acceptance doesn’t require forgiveness.

It doesn’t even imply a feeling about what happened.

Acceptance just means: This is what this person did to me, and I’m no longer arguing with it.

Acceptance is a necessary stop on the road to forgiveness. There’s no way around it. If you want to forgive, you have to pass through that town.

From there, it’s a short walk to another important town: compassion.

Compassion means: I understand why this person did what they did.

I don’t like it. I don’t wish it happened. But I understand what caused them to do it.

And I acknowledge that with more curiosity than judgment.

Compassion is different from forgiveness.

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Forgiveness says: I release myself from you.
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Compassion says: I understand why you couldn't release yourself from me, from this thing you did.

Forgiveness is a concept, a stance, a corner you turn.

Compassion is an experience, a capacity, a process.

It’s not that compassion is always easy.

But it can be more accessible. More stable. And usually far more meaningful.

Sometimes when we accept, we realize that we don’t need to forgive.
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Or we discover that acceptance is all the forgiveness we need.

So if you’re struggling to resolve an injury or put a conflict to bed, ask yourself:

Is the way I’m thinking about this person/event/wound moving me closer to curiosity and compassion? Or is it moving me away from them?

Have I truly accepted what this person did and why? Or am I trying to take a shortcut to forgiveness?

Am I only in touch with my own reasons/feelings/experiences? Or am I also interested in theirs?

Answering those questions will move you into a more helpful process.

And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a guest’s life…

I highly recommend checking out my interview with former bank robber Joe Loya (episodes #1,264 and #1,265). In our conversation, Joe opened up about the profound trauma his father inflicted on him from a young age, and how he’s made sense of that pain.

After trying and failing to forgive his father for years, Joe realized that his forgiveness was flawed. It was about elevating himself, rather than about growing.

That’s when he shifted his focus to acceptance and compassion. He began to fully recognize his father’s own trauma and empathize with his struggle to heal those wounds.

It was only then that Joe realized that he didn’t actually need to forgive his father. He only needed to come to terms with his story.

From there, Joe found a more lasting peace — and a shared grief that shaped both of their lives.

Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?​
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Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

On the show this past week

​1283: Eva LaRue & Kaya McKenna Callahan | 12 Years Hunted by a Stalker​

​1284: Husband Hid His DUI — Is It Time to Say Goodbye? | Feedback Friday​

​1285: Passport Bros | Skeptical Sunday​

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