Something wise(-ish)

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Whenever I catch myself saying, “Okay, this is how this situation needs to go,” I already know I’m in trouble.

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The mind loves to do this. It loves to imagine the ideal version of events to satisfy our desires, needs, fantasies. Or our fears.
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“As long as things go exactly the way I want, I’ll be satisfied.”

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And how often does that happen?

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I’ll speak for myself: never. That never happens for me.
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What always ends up happening is something different. Then I find myself weighing options and facing decisions I never could have anticipated.
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And that always somehow leads to a better outcome.

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To be clear, I’m not saying everything always works out great. Sometimes things go sideways. Sometimes they can get really bad. And that sucks. (Although even that can be a good outcome, in the end.)

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But for the most part, if I had clung to my beliefs about how a situation should have gone, how a relationship should have unfolded, how a goal should have played out, I would’ve missed a ton of unexpected ideas and opportunities.
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Beliefs can be useful. They can also be extremely limiting.

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I’m not talking about philosophical beliefs right now. Ethics, values, religions, politics, worldviews — that’s a whole other topic.
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I’m talking about the mundane beliefs that dictate how we view everyday situations.
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I need to get this particular job with this particular title in this exact city by the end of the year in order to be happy.

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I have to save 200 grand by the time I’m 35 in order to be on track.​
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If the candidate I support doesn’t end up in office, I can’t start my company.​
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If I don’t follow the itinerary for this road trip to a T, I’m not going to have a good time.

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Jordan and Gabe better answer this Feedback Friday question exactly the way I would or the entire segment is pointless and this show sucks.​
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(I’m kidding about that last one. Mostly.)
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Almost every thought we have is laden with these assumptions.
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The assumptions are so woven into the thoughts, it can be hard to even see that we have them!
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Which is why we need to really interrogate our thoughts.
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Because when you cling to these beliefs, you close yourself off from better ideas and happy accidents.

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The unexpected job offer in a different industry. The city that puts you in the way of new opportunities and influences.
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The other investments that set you up for even greater success. Other meaningful milestones besides money that indicate you’re on the right path.
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The hidden opportunities in an election not going your way. A chance to confront the part of yourself that wants to delay starting your own venture.
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The possibility of spontaneous experiences on a road trip. A better definition of a “good time.”
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We feel we need these beliefs in order to live our lives well.
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Maybe we do.

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But only up to a point.
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After that, they tend to create blinders. They cut us off. They keep us stuck.
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And ironically, the more they keep us stuck, the harder we tend to cling to them.

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When we think we know how life should go, we miss all the ways that life can go.​
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And life, in my experience, is way more creative than we are.
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“Strong ideas, loosely held.“

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It’s one of my favorite principles. I’m trying to cultivate it more.

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Maybe you can too, and see where it takes you.
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And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…​
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Check out episode #1196, where we took a question from a listener who was coordinating her complicated job search with her boyfriend as they tried to move to a new city.

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In that segment, we unpacked all of the assumptions baked into their job searches: that they had to move together, that they had to land jobs on a certain timeline, that their degrees wouldn’t be relevant forever, that they had to be in perfect lockstep.
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As we did, we encouraged the listener to not cling to those beliefs too strongly — which was creating a lot of anxiety — because doing so might make her miss the better version of events she couldn’t see yet.
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Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?

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Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!
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On the show this past week

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​1198: Caroline Fleck | Harnessing Validation to Deepen Human Connection​

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​1199: Pursuit of Happiness Vexed by a Litigious Ex | Feedback Friday​

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​1200: Science vs. Religion | Skeptical Sunday​

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