Something wise(-ish)
There’s a lot of wisdom out there about the art of starting things.
Landing a job. Launching a company. Starting a family. Initiating a project. Even cleaning out that one drawer where all your tools and post-its and USB cables end up in a tangled mess. Which is somehow harder than launching a company. (Just me?)
But when it comes to the art of ending things…
Well, there isn’t really a playbook for that.
If you want to find a partner, you’ll find no shortage of advice on how to get out there, attract someone, get the right clothes/dating profile/attitude, develop the relationship, work through conflicts, say yes to the dress, etc. etc.
When you break up with someone, though…
Suddenly it’s the emotional wild west.
The roadmap to achievement is a lot clearer than the roadmap through loss.
Which sucks, because we probably need a roadmap through uncertainty even more.
Every week on the show, we get at least one question that deals with saying goodbye — to a job, a relationship, a situation, an identity, even an idea.
And I’m always struck by how confusing these periods are for people, how badly they want a blueprint for their grief.
I’ve been there. I get it. It’s hard to mourn in the dark.
But I’ve learned something important about these transitions over the years.
Unlike starting things, ending things requires us to do less.
A LOT less.
And for most of us, that’s way harder.
When a relationship comes to an end, you don’t cling. You release.
When a person dies, you can’t argue. You accept.
When you get laid off, you don’t keep showing up. You go home.
When a life phase comes to a close, you can’t go back. You move forward.
When you realize that one drawer has gotten too chaotic, you untangle all those cords and organize your stuff. You don’t tell your wife “it’s fine” and insist that you “have a system.” (Just me again? Okay. Maybe I should go clean out that drawer after this.)
Of course, you’re welcome to not accept life as it is. You can argue with reality. You can negotiate with the facts. You can grasp for control, go into denial, insist that life conform to your wishes when it clearly won’t. People do this all the time.
But all of that is ultimately a form of denial.
And it results in a failure to mourn.
There’s only one thing we have to do when things fall apart, and that’s to accept.
It’s the simplest thing to do. And it’s the hardest.
Acceptance doesn’t even feel like something you can do. It’s more like what happens when you stop doing.
And it comes with some difficult feelings.
But when you accept change, something interesting happens.
New opportunities to start to pop up.
New people enter your life.
New ideas and feelings enter the picture.
And before you know it, you have something to start again.
You have things to do.
You have a roadmap again.
But that process tends to happen on its own, almost by magic.
The only roadmap you need through the grief is this:
Accepting everything that’s happening, over and over again, moment by moment, until something shifts.
So if you’re struggling to come to terms with a change, ask yourself:
What am I actually trying to achieve by resisting what’s happening?
What would I have to be in touch with if I stopped?
How little can I do here?
Answer those questions and see what happens. I think you’ll find that you don’t need a roadmap through your loss so much as a stance that makes the breakdown survivable.
If you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…
Check out episode #1144, where we took a question from a young woman who had just broken up with her high-school sweetheart, a man she thought she would marry.
In this segment, we talked about how to move through these personal crises in a way that allows for as much harmony and insight as possible.
We also talked about how to find the freedom and empowerment in grief, even when it’s overwhelming. Which should really come in handy when I tackle that drawer in a few minutes.
Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?
Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!
On the show this past week
1216: Greg Lukianoff | Failing Arguments Against Free Speech
1217: Evan Osnos | The Haves and Have-Yachts of American Oligarchy
1218: Grandson Is Feral and Puts In-Laws in Peril | Feedback Friday
1219: Redheads | Skeptical Sunday
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