Wee Bit Wiser

by Jordan Harbinger

Something wise(-ish)

Every person you keep in your life is a vote in favor of certain values.

When you stay close to people who enrich you, enliven you, challenge you — all that good stuff — that’s you saying, “It’s important to me to grow as a human being.”

When you stay close with people who neglect you, enable you, maybe even actively harm you — any unproductive pain — that’s you saying, “It’s not important to me to be treated well,” or “It’s more important to have bad friends than no friends,” or “I’d rather stay safe than evolve.”

You might not always realize that you’re casting that vote.

But you are.

Because every relationship embodies certain values. Kindness. Curiosity. Playfulness. Non-judgment. Ambition. Patience. Maturity. All the classics.

And those concepts largely determine who we become.

So if you’re looking for a shortcut to understanding what you truly care about — and the direction your life is probably heading — take a good look at the people you’re choosing to spend time with. Especially your friends.

And be honest about what you see.

How high-functioning are these people? How generous? How loyal? How kind? How do you feel around them? What becomes possible when you’re with them? What do you make possible for them? What do you do and talk about? What can you not do and talk about?

That’ll tell you a LOT.

I realize this might sound a little intense.

But thinking about the people in your life as votes for certain values — that’s the beginning of building a much richer life.

It’s also the most reliable guide I’ve found for when to lean into a conflict with a friend and when to pull back.

Knowing how to handle a challenging person in your life can be very confusing.

Knowing which values you care about and want to pursue?

Much clearer.

Relationships get a lot easier from there.

They also get a lot more rewarding.

If you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…

Check out episode #1,228, where we took a question from a listener whose friend of 25 years dominates conversations, rarely asks about her and treats most people pretty poorly.

Our listener was struggling with what to do about this friend after she experienced a devastating loss and her behavior worsened. How much bad treatment should a person put up with in the name of grief and loyalty? It’s a great question.

And one we could only answer by getting clear on the values she believed in — and whether that friend could recognize those values, too.

Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?

Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

On the show this past week

1238: Ken Burns | What If the American Revolution Isn’t Over?

Interview #2

Feedback Friday

Skeptical Sunday

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