Get wiser

​

Miles Davis once said, “Man, sometimes it takes you a long time to sound like yourself.”
​

Yeah, Miles. True story.

​

I’ve been podcasting for almost two decades, and I’m still learning how to sound like myself.

​

Being authentic is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do.

​

In some ways, it’s actually easier to be inauthentic.
​

The roles you play, the facades you create, the feelings you suppress, the ways you imitate other people — those strategies are familiar, and they’re designed to keep you safe.

​

But then, they come at a huge cost.
​

Depression. Anxiety. Confusion. Emptiness. A fear of being “found out.”

​

In one way, being inauthentic allows you to survive.

​

In another way, it basically kills you.

​

So if you want to have a truly meaningful life and enjoy truly fulfilling relationships, then you’re going to have to commit to being more and more authentic.
​

Giving voice to your honest thoughts and feelings.

​

Choosing goals and experiences that are actually meaningful to you.

​

Letting go of the impulse to censor yourself to keep things on an even keel.

​

But here’s where things get tricky:
​

When you try to be more “authentic,” that usually ends up being an act.​
​

Oftentimes, you’re not actually becoming more authentic.

​

You’re playing the role of someone who’s being more authentic.

​

Which is, you know… inauthentic!
​

So how do we break out of that catch-22?

​

The key is not to add more “authentic” things to your personality, but to get rid of anything that’s not authentic.​
​

When you add things to your personality — including the desire to be realer! — you usually end up obscuring the true person underneath.

​

But when you take inauthentic things away from your personality — including these techniques that make you more “real” — you’re guaranteed to be more authentic.
​

(I know, it’s like a Zen koan or something. The only way to bend the spoon is to believe there’s no spoon at all. The stuff is wild.)
​

Point is — authenticity is a process of subtraction.
​

Once again, our boy Miles Davis put it beautifully:

​

“If you don't know what to play, play nothing.”

​

So if you’re struggling to get in touch with your authentic self, try asking yourself a few questions.​
​

What social games can I stop playing?
​

What techniques or concepts can I put down, even temporarily?

​

Can I step back from any goals, relationships or situations that no longer feel right?

​

Then notice how you feel, how you behave, how you show up in your life.
​

You’ll know if things feel lighter, more enlivening. Our authenticity detectors are top-notch.

​

Keep making decisions that move you in that direction, and trust that they’ll lead you to better and better experiences.
​

And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…

​

Check out episode #822, where we took a letter from a listener who was wrestling with her desire to be more authentic.
​

She asked a really great question: “How do I re-learn how to be myself? Should I strive to be 100% authentic, or do we need a limit to our authenticity if we’re gonna have any hope of people wanting to be around us?”

​

I loved this listener’s vulnerability in talking about how scary it is to be more ourselves. Give it a listen, and see if you notice shades of yourself in her story. I know I did.
​

Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?​
​

Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

​

On the show this past week

​1027: Jonna Mendez | A Woman’s Life in the CIA​

​1028: Jonna Mendez | The Moscow Rules (Redux)​

​1029: Mental Deterioration Tests Marital Dedication | Feedback Friday​

​1030: Exorcism | Skeptical Sunday​

​

Support Our Sponsors

​