Wise up

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If there’s one underappreciated superpower in this world, it’s listening.

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Like, really listening. Fully. Actively. Generously.

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I truly believe that listening well can change your relationships, your results, your overall experience of the world.

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But there’s a dark side to listening, too.

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The superpower of listening — when it’s taken too far — can become a fatal flaw.
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And that fatal flaw is the tendency to hide.

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To hide in the role of the person who’s available but inaccessible.
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To hide in the act of making it all about the other person.

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To hide under the guise of empathy and curiosity.

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Introverts and empaths are the most susceptible to this tendency, but we all slip into it from time to time.
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(We also tend to slip into it with certain dangerous personalities, but that’s a whole other newsletter.)

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It’s a tough pattern to shake, because true listening is extremely productive, bonding and healing. And because true listening is so rare, you’ll find that most people respond very strongly to it.
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But there are some very real costs to listening too often and too well.​
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Failing to show up fully in your relationships.

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Struggling to take up healthy space.

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Protecting tender aspects of your personality.
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Becoming vulnerable to questionable personalities that don’t offer the same empathy in return — or, worse, latch onto you because you offer them narcissistic supply.
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Basically, when you make it all (or even mostly) about the other person, you miss the opportunity to create a healthy, balanced, fulfilling exchange.
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To enjoy the best possible relationships, you eventually have to be willing to stop listening.

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Because when you struggle to be on the receiving end of someone else’s attention, you deprive them of the gift of really knowing you.

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Which isn’t just a missed opportunity. Oftentimes it’s a tragedy.
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So if you find yourself listening to other people a lot, ask yourself:

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Is my listening entirely pure and generous? Or does it also function to allow me to relate to other people in a way that feels comfortable and safe? (Hint: Both can be true!)

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Am I an audience for the right people? Or do I tend to gravitate to people who take up a lot of space without offering the same in return?

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Is my listening serving to invite aspects of the other person to come out, or to protect some of my own? (Again, both can be true — which is what makes this so fascinating.)
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And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…

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Check out episode #967, where we took a question from a listener who was great at keeping a conversation going — until the focus turned to them.
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At that point, they struggled to feel deserving of the other person’s attention and own the spotlight in a healthy way.
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That segment really captured the conflict many of us feel about being in true relationship — and the importance of stepping out of our listening role, especially if that position comes naturally.

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Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?​
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Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

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On the show this past week

​1111: Jay Dobyns | Undercover with the Hells Angels Part One​

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​1112: Jay Dobyns | Undercover with the Hells Angels Part Two​

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​1113: You Just Want to Hike, Not Revisit Third Reich | Feedback Friday​

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