Wee Bit Wiser

by Jordan Harbinger

Wise up

If there’s one underappreciated superpower in this world, it’s listening.

Like, really listening. Fully. Actively. Generously.

I truly believe that listening well can change your relationships, your results, your overall experience of the world.

But there’s a dark side to listening, too.

The superpower of listening — when it’s taken too far — can become a fatal flaw.

And that fatal flaw is the tendency to hide.

To hide in the role of the person who’s available but inaccessible.

To hide in the act of making it all about the other person.

To hide under the guise of empathy and curiosity.

Introverts and empaths are the most susceptible to this tendency, but we all slip into it from time to time.

(We also tend to slip into it with certain dangerous personalities, but that’s a whole other newsletter.)

It’s a tough pattern to shake, because true listening is extremely productive, bonding and healing. And because true listening is so rare, you’ll find that most people respond very strongly to it.

But there are some very real costs to listening too often and too well.

Failing to show up fully in your relationships.

Struggling to take up healthy space.

Protecting tender aspects of your personality.

Becoming vulnerable to questionable personalities that don’t offer the same empathy in return — or, worse, latch onto you because you offer them narcissistic supply.

Basically, when you make it all (or even mostly) about the other person, you miss the opportunity to create a healthy, balanced, fulfilling exchange.

To enjoy the best possible relationships, you eventually have to be willing to stop listening.

Because when you struggle to be on the receiving end of someone else’s attention, you deprive them of the gift of really knowing you.

Which isn’t just a missed opportunity. Oftentimes it’s a tragedy.

So if you find yourself listening to other people a lot, ask yourself:

Is my listening entirely pure and generous? Or does it also function to allow me to relate to other people in a way that feels comfortable and safe? (Hint: Both can be true!)

Am I an audience for the right people? Or do I tend to gravitate to people who take up a lot of space without offering the same in return?

Is my listening serving to invite aspects of the other person to come out, or to protect some of my own? (Again, both can be true — which is what makes this so fascinating.)

And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…

Check out episode #967, where we took a question from a listener who was great at keeping a conversation going — until the focus turned to them.

At that point, they struggled to feel deserving of the other person’s attention and own the spotlight in a healthy way.

That segment really captured the conflict many of us feel about being in true relationship — and the importance of stepping out of our listening role, especially if that position comes naturally.

Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?

Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

On the show this past week

1111: Jay Dobyns | Undercover with the Hells Angels Part One

1112: Jay Dobyns | Undercover with the Hells Angels Part Two

1113: You Just Want to Hike, Not Revisit Third Reich | Feedback Friday

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