Something wise(-ish)/
If you listen to Feedback Friday, you know that we’re big on talking.
Talking about your goals.
Talking through your problems.
Talking to a therapist.
Talking to us, obviously. (‘Cuz we’re here to help and you know we need that dooze cruise tea.)
Talking to your friends, your family, your journal, your cat — whomever’s down to listen — about the things that matter most to you.
Talking is crucial.
But there’s also something to be said for not talking.
For allowing ideas to take shape inside of you before you share them.
For not speaking before you have something meaningful to say.
For allowing your silence to be its own kind of statement.
Because talking too much, too often, too soon — even when it’s helpful — can also come at a huge cost.
I have an author friend who refuses to discuss his writing while he’s working on his first big draft. His silence forces him to do all of his work on the book itself, not through conversations about the book.
Then, months or sometimes years later, he’ll share his writing with people and want to talk about it nonstop. Until he dives back into the writing using their feedback, at which point he goes silent again.
Entrepreneurs and business owners could learn something from my friend. Their first instinct is often to talk with customers, friends and partners about what they want to do. When really all they need to do is take baby steps toward their goal, see what happens, learn, adjust, and keep going. Talking is part of that, of course. But it’s secondary.
For some people, talking about their dream actually ends up killing it. They get stuck in the planning phase. Or they spend so much time talking that they have no time to execute, and the venture fails. Or they get demoralized by people’s doubts and criticisms, which are often misguided if not straight-up wrong.
It’s like Goethe, patron saint of doing epic shit, famously said:
Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,
because the mass man will mock it right away.
And this is just as true of feelings and experiences.
If you’ve lost someone, for example, sometimes the best way to honor your grief is to live with it privately, to make meaning of it in your own way.
If you’re grappling with a big question, exploring it in action is usually the most fruitful approach.
And if you want to turn these things into something else — a book, a conversation, an event, whatever it is — there will have to be a period when it remains yours and no one else’s.
When you will want to protect it so that you have the freedom to feed it, to understand it, to play.
There’s a real art to staying silent.
It requires discipline.
It requires judiciousness.
Most of all, it requires the ability to stay in the tension of an experience. To not discharge that tension in the easiest way, which is usually to go find someone to talk about it with.
I’m not gonna lie: This is a real challenge for me. I am a podcaster, after all. It’s my job to talk.
But I’m also trying to remember that it’s often my job not to talk, on and off the show.
There’s much less validation and attention from other people in staying quiet. I think that’s part of why it’s so hard.
But the rewards of staying quiet — at the right times, in the right spirit — are immense.
So if you’re wondering whether to open up about something, here are a few questions to explore:
What am I hoping to achieve by talking?
What response, feeling or tool am I looking for from the other person? Is that something only they can give me? Can I try to find those things for myself? Do I truly even need them?
Is my talking actually productive, or am I avoiding something?
What specific things can I do to channel this desire to talk into action before I open up?
What would I have to be in touch with if I decided to stay quiet for a little while?
(If you don’t know the answer to that last one — great. Just give it a try and find out!)
Have you found this idea to be true for you? Struggling to make use of it?
Hit reply and tell me about it. Or, you know… don’t! :)
On the show this past week
1226: James Kimmel, Jr. | No Even Scores in the Science of Revenge
1227: Kashmir Hill | Is AI Manipulating Your Mental Health?
1228: You Cut and Run but Parents Treat Ex like a Son | Feedback Friday
1229: Penis Enhancement | Skeptical Sunday
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