Get wiser

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Holding people accountable for their role in a toxic situation is not “victim blaming.”​
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There. I said it.
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You can forgive and empathize with people who have experienced awful things and help them appreciate the ways they participated in a situation.

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Maybe they overlooked red flags. Maybe they justified bad behavior. Maybe they stuck around longer than they should have. Maybe they struggled to ask for help. Maybe they avoided doing the self-work necessary to protect themselves.
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All of this is compatible with being a victim.

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All of this is compatible with loving someone.
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But a lot of the discourse around bad behavior these days flattens this nuance.
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As a result, it flattens us.
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I also think this principle holds true in the other direction.
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Blaming ourselves is not the same as holding ourselves accountable.

It can be tempting to beat ourselves up for the role we played in unjust situations.
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Doing so gives us a sense of control, keeps difficult feelings inside (where they seem easier to resolve), or chimes with certain ideas we have about ourselves.
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But when we’re the victims, we have to embrace this nuance too.
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Punishing ourselves entirely for our role in a toxic situation is rarely productive or evolved.
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Usually it’s just self-reproach.

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There will always be a tension between responsibility and forgiveness.​
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But that tension holds the key to growth.
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Don’t get me wrong: There are situations where people who bear no responsibility and have zero power are true victims of terrible things. ( :: gestures vaguely at world :: )
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But most of life is much more complex than that.

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If we can’t make room for empathy and accountability, then I would argue that we’re not fully in touch with reality, we’re not fully showing up for people, and we’re not fully serving them. (Or ourselves.)
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And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…​
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Check out episode #1121, where we took a question from a listener whose friend, a physician, lost her job and medical license after having an affair with an unstable patient who ended up abusing her.

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When the listener encouraged her friend to consider her choice to get involved with this patient in the first place, her friend accused her of victim-blaming.

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In our response, we parsed the situation and tried to locate the line between accountability and compassion. It’s a great case study in making room for both, and coming to terms with the fact that some people can’t tolerate that nuance.

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Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?​
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Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

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On the show this past week

​1195: Javier Leiva | Modern Romance Scam Tactics and Ways to Fight Back​

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​1196: Does Sister’s Past Give Her Abuse a Free Pass? | Feedback Friday​

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​1197: CBD | Skeptical Sunday​

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