Something wise(-ish)

​

Most people want something from you.

​

Employers.

​

Advertisers.

​

Even friends, family and significant others.

​

And that’s not inherently bad.

​

Just because someone wants something from you — whether it’s love, connection or three easy payments of $24.99 — doesn’t mean they’re automatically nefarious.

​

But it’s important to recognize how many relationships are built on the idea that both parties will exchange value in some form.
​

There’s one type of relationship that doesn’t work that way. Or shouldn’t, anyway.

​

The relationship you have with a mentor.

​

A true mentor invests in you because they believe in you. Because they want you to succeed for your own sake. Basically, because they care.

​

The best mentors don’t expect their mentees to follow their advice to a T, only make decisions that benefit them, or directly compensate them for their investment.
​

(Except by growing and doing well in life, which creates social capital for both parties. But not in a I-helped-you-so-now-you-help-me kinda way.)

​

And they sure as hell don’t co-opt that mentorship to work some other angle — like pulling their mentees into a sales funnel, Trojan Horsing a specific ideology into their conversations, or using their influence to change the nature of the relationship.

​

At that point, the “mentorship” stops being mentorship, and starts being a strategy for some other goal.
​

This is what shady MLMs do. They “mentor” you right into a pyramid scheme or downline.

​

This is what scammy life coaches do. They “mentor” you into a coaching package or e-course.
​

This is what unethical religious organizations and cults do. They inject their ideology (and the expectation that you’ll embrace it as well as the entire power structure) into their “mentorship.”
​

And, of course, this is what creepy “mentors” with no other agenda than their own personal gratification do. They coach someone, then try to make them their friend, lover, pseudo-parent, confidante, or whatever particular figure they want in their life.
​

And just to be clear — of course mentors exert some kind of influence on their mentees.
​

But there’s a difference between influence and control, between guidance and coercion.
​

One is a gentle hand helping shape a mentee’s life and career in general, with lots of room for discussion, pushback and freedom.

​

The other is a firmer hand directing them to specific decisions and outcomes that benefit the mentor, with little tolerance for autonomy and critical thinking.

​

If your mentor wants anything more than your general success and happiness, take a step back and reassess the relationship.

​

They might still be able to offer you something valuable, but your relationship almost certainly falls into a different category.

​

True mentorship is one of the few pure relationships we get to experience in life.

​

It’s untainted by commerce, personal agenda or undue influence.

​

It’s a joy and a privilege for both parties.

​

To corrupt it with other interests is a violation and a hustle.
​

If you’re reassessing a mentorship relationship, ask yourself:

​

What does this person ultimately want from me?

​

What would happen to our relationship if we disagreed about something?
​

Is there some larger objective here — sustaining a product, community or ideology — or is our relationship simply about the exchange of wisdom and experience?

​

And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…

​

Check out episode #910, where we took a question from a young man who had been recruited into a “mentorship” circle that turned out to be a sales funnel for a major MLM.

​

In that segment, we picked apart the different layers of that relationship, and why mentorship in the service of selling products isn’t mentorship at all — and why he needed to seriously reconsider his involvement.

​

This story brought to life how predatory certain organizations are. It also reminded me how important it is to protect the integrity of true mentoring relationships.
​

Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?​
​

Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

​

On the show this past week

​1050: Lisa Kaltenegger | In Search of Alien Life and Livable Worlds​

​

​1051: Tu Lam | From Refugee to Real American Hero​

​

​1052: Wack Prenup Request Puts Engagement to the Test | Feedback Friday​

​

​1053: Generic Drugs | Skeptical Sunday​

​

Support Our Sponsors