Something wise
They say that most people’s greatest fear is public speaking. Something about all those eyes on you. And sure, talking in front of people can be pretty intense.
But there’s something far more terrifying for most people: conflict.
Telling someone you’re not happy about something, expressing your anger, receiving theirs — that can be awful.
Especially if you weren’t raised in an environment where healthy conflict was encouraged and taught.
Which is most of us.
But here’s the good news.
Conflict is a skill like any other.
We can learn to bear the discomfort of our anger.
We can develop the sturdiness to hold another person’s frustration.
We can deepen our capacity to tolerate the tension of disagreement.
Just like any other skill, the more you practice healthy conflict, the better you become at it.
Which is essential for being a great friend, a great family member, and — most importantly — a great leader.
But unlike other skills, you can’t practice this one alone, in private, away from other people. You can only learn this one in the arena. With another human being. In process.
Which is why most people will do everything they can to avoid these conversations.
But when you get down to it, what’s so scary about conflict? Why does it cause so much distress?
We stand to lose two main things from engaging in conflict.
The first is the affection/loyalty/approval of the other person.
The second is our sense of control and invulnerability.
These two “assets” — what other people think of us and how we experience ourselves — can make conflict prohibitively dangerous.
We’ll do almost anything to protect our standing in the tribe — even if it requires us to ignore injuries, injustices and imbalances.
And we’ll do almost anything to protect our sense of strength and stability — even if that means quietly bearing painful feelings.
But we have to be willing to risk these things in order to be in authentic, high-functioning relationships. We can’t have both.
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This is just one of many fundamentals I’ve worked on by reading some great books on the topic, like "Difficult Conversations" and "Crucial Conversations, which contain decades of proven wisdom.
And if you don’t have time to read them cover to cover, you can use apps like Accelerated.
It breaks down these powerful books into bite-sized essentials. With Accelerated, key insights from books can be learned in minutes, not months.
Once you build up your conflict toolkit, you’re are in a much better place to work on this capacity for honest conversations. In the arena. With another human being. In process.
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It’s not easy. But it’s absolutely doable.
Because in reality, these risks aren’t as real as they seem.
The people you’re afraid of alienating rarely turn on you in the way you fear.
If they do, you can usually find a way to repair those relationships over time.
And if you can’t repair them, then you can start to shift your feelings about these people in light of what you’ve learned, and recategorize them in your life.
And that sense of self you’re protecting? That stability you cling to, that impenetrability?
It’s not as essential as you think.
In fact, it’s probably protecting some important, meaningful parts of you that your conflict avoidance is failing to tend to.
If you get a little emotional, a little rattled, a little worked up when you confront someone — what’s so wrong with that? You’re human. You’re alive.
Over time, you’ll learn to communicate your messier parts with more grace, more precision. That’s part of the art of conflict.
But most people can handle those parts of you much better than you think.
In fact, they might even take you more seriously.
So if you want to have more honest relationships, you need to lean into these twin fears.
By leaning into them, you’ll also find out if they’re warranted.
Spoiler alert: They’re mostly not.
And if they are, that doesn’t mean you’re in trouble. It means you’ve kicked up more data you can use to decide how to best relate to the people in your life. That’s all.
And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…
Check out episode #953, where we took a question from a woman struggling with anxiety who was stuck in a legal battle with an antagonistic coworker.
The only solution seemed to be to quit her job to protect herself. But we encouraged her to think of her situation as an opportunity to develop her conflict muscles. Rather than flee the confrontation, she could choose to learn how to bear another person’s anger and separate her own feelings from someone else’s. In other words, to build up her sense of self.
Her letter brought to life just how terrifying conflict can be — especially with an objectively unreasonable person — and how powerful it is to lean into it.
Have you found this principle to be true in your world? Struggling to make use of it?
Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!
On the show this past week
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
1101: Church, Steeple, and the Trafficked People | Feedback Friday
1102: College vs. Trades | Skeptical Sunday
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