Wee Bit Wiser

by Jordan Harbinger

Something wise(-ish)

There’s a difference between self-interest and self-orientation.

There’s a difference between attention-seeking and attention-enjoying.

There’s a difference between being cut off and being boundaried.

Every quality exists on a spectrum. A lot of self-help experts will tell you to avoid a vice at one end of the spectrum by radically embracing its opposite on the other.

But that often ends up missing the subtle distinctions that turn a vice into a superpower.

When we try to avoid a negative quality, we often end up shutting down its healthy cousin.

Take narcissism, for example.

Any normal person would want to avoid being a total a-hole who’s only out for number one.

But in so doing, we often overcorrect to self-denial, weakness, false modesty, hiding, shyness, etc.

We succeed in not being monsters, but then we fail to enjoy the totally appropriate (and actually crucial!) benefits of that quality when it’s well-calibrated — asserting our interests, enjoying people’s validation, following our creative impulses, and so on.

That’s what self-orientation is about.

Or consider vulnerability.

Any rational person would want to protect themselves from being hurt or unduly influenced.

But in so doing, we often withdraw completely from challenging relationships, put up walls, fail to understand the parts of ourselves that are tender, miss opportunities to resolve conflict, etc.

We succeed in not being hurt, but then we fail to stay in the tension of a relationship, deny ourselves useful information, stay ignorant about parts of our personalities, refuse to build important emotional muscles, and so on.

That’s what boundaries allow us to do.

Don’t get me wrong: There are situations where we have to operate at the extremes.

Sometimes it’s necessary to hit pause on our own interests and put other people’s needs first.

Sometimes it’s warranted to cut someone off and protect ourselves.

But for most of life, the best stance is somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. And that usually means having a little bit of the “bad” qualities we’re trying to avoid!

To be self-oriented, you have to be in touch with your narcissism and your empathy.

To be boundaried, you have to both keep people at a distance and be vulnerable to them.

The magic is in the tension between those extremes.

So this week, I invite you to play in that middle territory. Enjoy a little bit of your virtue and a little bit of your vice. Especially when it comes to qualities you struggle with.

Find the magical third quality that draws from both extremes.

And then tell me what you find!