Something wise(-ish)

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Every single one of us — me included — feels like a burden sometimes.

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This is a human thing.
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We all fear being stressful for other people, unpleasant to deal with, inconvenient to support.

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We all fear being “too much.”
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And you know what?
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I don’t know if that’s entirely a bad thing.

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We should ask ourselves whether we’re relying on other people too much.

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We should consider whether we’re showing up in those relationships in the healthiest way, whether we’re taking care of ourselves while we also ask for help.

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People who never wonder if they’re a burden probably have some narcissistic tendencies.
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There’s a difference between being secure and being entitled.
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So there’s a spectrum here. The Spectrum of Burdensomeness.
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(Which is probably the most burdensome term I’ve ever made up, but I’m sticking with it.)
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But if you fall on the “I’m too much” side of that spectrum, then it’s time to take a look at that quality.

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Because it’s definitely holding you back.

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We cannot fully achieve in life, form meaningful relationships, or have an authentic connection with ourselves if we’re terrified of being a burden to others.
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So how can we rewrite this fear?

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The first step is to get to the roots of that belief.​
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And because I promised you this newsletter would be brief, I’m just gonna go ahead and tell you what those roots usually are. (Man, now I feel like the burden!)
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• Parents who couldn’t validate, hold and respond to your legitimate needs as a child.

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• Early relationships that were remote, critical or otherwise unsafe.

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• Bouts of illness — mental or physical — that made (or make) your needs more profound.

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• Toxic or abusive relationships that affected your self-esteem, your ability to trust, your connection to your own wants and needs.
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• Feelings of self-judgment, self-reproach or self-denial. (Which are — spoiler alert! — always informed by all of the above.)
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Once you see the roots of this fear more clearly, it becomes a lot easier to have compassion for yourself — and to start to work on that belief.
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From there, you’ll start to notice the ways you’ve protected yourself — and other people — from perfectly normal and super fulfilling experiences in a relationship.
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Interestingly, you might also start to feel angry.
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Angry that you perpetuated this fear by cramping around it. Angry that you were ever made to feel like a burden at all.

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Which is a GREAT sign.
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Anger is a key part of grief.

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It’s also an excellent way to dare being “inconvenient.”

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The second step is to start experimenting with being a “burden” to other people.​
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Asking for help when you need it.
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Speaking up when something bugs you.

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Telling someone you’re angry, scared, confused.

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Not shrinking away or letting someone off the hook in a conversation too soon.
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Hell, just asking a waiter to remove a mistake on the bill or stopping someone on the street for directions — even those can be great first steps.

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These don’t need to be monumental conversations. They can actually be tiny.

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Tiny steps are profound.
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Especially when you’ve gone your whole life tamping down your needs and censoring yourself.
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But most of us need to teach ourselves how to take up space.​
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We need to learn how to risk being a burden in order to find out that we’re not a burden at all.
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We also need to learn how to choose people who don’t treat us like a burden.

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So give these approaches a go, and see what happens. If nothing else, you’ll learn some really interesting things about yourself.

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And if you’re interested in hearing how this idea played out in a listener’s life…

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Check out episode #945, where we took a question from a woman who struggled with networking because she always felt like she was inconveniencing people by contacting them.
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In that segment, we explored the tumultuous childhood that created that fear. We also talked about how she could start to rewrite that template as an adult.

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This letter really brought to life how The Spectrum of Burdensomeness (yeah, I’m doubling down on that) has a profound impact on the quality of your relationships and mental health.

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Have you found this principle to be true in your world?Struggling to make use of it?​
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Hit reply and tell me about it. I’m all ears!

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On the show this past week

​1024: Blake Eastman | Can Machines Read People Better Than Humans?​

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​1025: Left Aghast by the Pedo In Your Past | Feedback Friday​

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​1026: Hypnosis | Skeptical Sunday​

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